The Outsider
by Roxie Zephyr Jocelyn
Summary: Starring: Kira Yamato, Athrun Zala. An unexpected danger forces Kira to contemplate a broken bond, an estranged friendship. What does it take to be one who is on the inside?


A/N: A friendship estranged, a bond broken. What does it take to be on the inside? As usual, the characters of Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny do not belong to me but to their esteemed creator. ENJOY!

The Outsider

Kira Yamato rolled his eyes as he stepped off the shuttle, short brown hair wind-ruffled, looking exhausted but not worse for the wear. Only a step behind him, Athrun Zala, the reason for his exasperation and anxiety, stumbled out, shoulder-length indigo hair framing pallid features and haunted verdant eyes, splashed with blood and bruises. No sooner had the Ultimate Coordinator stepped out of the way when the Chairman of PLANT nearly literally fell into the arms of his intensely relieved, completely enraged and deeply exhausted entourage. To Kira's numbed amusement, it was Supreme Council Member Yzak Joule that reached Athrun first, despite his spitting insults and apparent fiery disapproval, gentle hands reaching out to steady the injured chairman, supporting him. Only a split second behind him were Dearka Elsman and Shinn Asuka, captains of Athrun's personal bodyguards; Meyrin Hawke, his personal secretary and Lunamaria Hawke, the journalist who was just plain worried. Yet, Kira had eyes only for his friend, whose pale features had gained some colour, whose haggard expression had lightened with relief and comfort. He wanted to join the throng, longed to ensure his friend's welfare but his feet were stayed. His throat tightened.

He felt like an outsider.

The people that now surrounded Athrun, putting a genuine smile on his face, knew a side of his friend he had never encountered. He was not always the most observant but even he noticed how the usually reserved Athrun simply allowed himself to let go in the support of Yzak and Dearka, his body relaxing as they became his strength. Kira found jealousy bubbling up within him. There was once a time when Athrun would react like that in his support, when his friend would just allow himself to drift with Kira has his only line to reality. Then, the jealousy died, murdered by guilt. What right had he to demand such trust from Athrun? What right had he, when it was he who had chosen to fight opposite his friend instead of with him, choosing to meet him on the battlefield as enemies instead of allies? The interaction between the three former Reds of ZAFT spoke volumes of familiarity born of incredible intimacy that went beyond that of mere friends. They were comrades, brothers' in arms. Yzak, who Kira knew had always had a long-standing rivalry with Athrun, had never truly hated his younger rival. Even now, as he attempted to keep up his façade of brusque distance, Kira could see ice blue eyes melting in concern as they roved over the chairman's injuries, critically examining their fatality, even as sharp taunts and lectures escape his lips. Then, there was Dearka, who had continued to joke and laugh over Athrun's carelessness at being kidnapped, whose nonchalance was betrayed by the way his arm was wrapped possessively, protectively in support of the younger man's slender body, wandering fingers dancing over bandages and bruised skin to determine if there were any other hidden injuries that could further risk Athrun's life. And, Athrun clearly knew what the both of them were doing, allowing it with his own small sighs of slight annoyance at being fussed over, never halting them because he knew that they needed the physical assurance as much as he needed the physical comfort.

And, it did not end with them. Kira's gaze widened to take in the younger three who watched the proceedings, their reactions varying from open teasing to covert hovering. Lunamaria seemed almost as unconcerned as Dearka, joking about how the chairman would once again make the headlines, breaking the record of having the most successful kidnap attempts. Yet, her light-heartedness had an underlying edge, an undercurrent of dark emotion forcefully clamped down, in hopes that she could provide a distraction for her clearly tensed and emotionally drained chairman. And, it was clear that Athrun appreciated this, his answering banter kept light yet soothing. Meyrin was perhaps a little more subtle in her ways, only adding comments when she needed to, choosing instead to silently support Athrun, her handy notebook in hand, mind already whirling with excuses on how she could lighten Athrun's workload by taking more on her own shoulders. The way Athrun's eye alighted on her in fractions of seconds were a mixture of admonishment and gratitude, obviously not oblivious to the younger Hawke sister's plans. Then, there was Shinn, who was undoubtedly the most undemonstrative of the group, eyes averted to the ground, completely silent. Yet, Kira did not miss the way his gaze would occasionally flick towards Athrun before scanning the area for intruders that could harm the chairman. And, it was even harder to miss the way Shinn had positioned himself at Athrun's blind spot, only a hairsbreadth of distance between them, his hand resting on his semi-hidden weapon. No words were needed. It was a vivid vow that Shinn had taken up – to protect Athrun at the cost of his life. His guilt at having already failed once radiated in his every gesture, stiff and overly formal. But, Athrun would have none of it, deliberately turning his back to the young man, entrusting his security to him, displaying in his actions his pure trust that Shinn would not fail him again, his every movement screaming of forgiveness. He trusted Shinn with his life.

And, Kira could only watch – the silent observer.

The outsider.

A sob rose in this throat, choked down instantly, the residue of hysteria and now abandonment running strongly in his veins. The desperate anguish of being separated from Athrun, vehemently stamped down and locked away at the back of his mind, hit him full force sending him reeling. Confusion had taken away the edge of the hurt during the first war when he had been warring with his own ideals and identity. Before the cuts of their cracked bond of friendship could fully register, Athrun had already rejoined him, once again standing by his side, protecting him. Need had numbed the anguish that struck during the second war, the need to protect Lacus and Cagalli, the need to restore peace. Kira had swept up the shards of brotherhood, broken by betrayal on both sides, throwing them into a dark corner where they had stayed since then. Before he had had the chance to further injure himself emotionally, circumstance had thrown Athrun back into his arms, literally hurt and in need of protection. But now, there was nothing to stop the tumultuous emotion of loneliness and estrangement that threatened to overwhelm him, the wave reaching its peak. Athrun was so close, physically so close, yet Kira couldn't help but feel like his friend had vanished beyond his reach, emotionally so distant.

And, he had no one to blame but himself.

It had always been his choice to turn away from Athrun. How many times had he turned his back on his friend during the first war when Athrun had pleaded for Kira to follow him back to PLANTs? Athrun had risked his life on the battlefield, extending his hand to a friend he had treasured even though they were supposed to be enemies. Instead, Kira had callously thrown that hand of friendship back at Athrun, declaring that he needed to protect his friends on the Archangel. It was only later when he had had the chance to reflect on his words did he realize its true implications. With a single proclamation he had disowned Athrun, as a brother, as a friend. But, Athrun had forgiven him, accepted him back when it was all over. Only to have his trust betrayed when Kira once again turned him away during the second war. How many times had Kira simply stomped on Athrun's views, worries about PLANTs, instead of allaying them? How many times had he simply deafened his ears to his friend's words, expecting Athrun to play dummy and remain his silent follower. He had simply stood by and watched as Athrun risk his life to find himself and his own truths. He had not reached out to aid his friend, never giving him reasons to believe in, merely waiting for Athrun to come crawling back to him, to accept his views as the right one over Athrun's wrong. But, Athrun had forgiven him again, giving in to him as he always did.

Even now, he had done it again – chosen everyone else over Athrun. When a vicious attack had rocked the conference hall where the peace relation negotiations were going on, Kira had immediately turned to Cagalli and Lacus, sheltering them, removing them from the danger zone. Admittedly, it had been his duty to tend to them first. Cagalli was after all, the Princess of Orb and Lacus was the Ambassador of Neutrality. If the both of them had been lost, peace would have been lost with them, especially since they were attending the negotiation on behalf of Orb and the Earth Alliance. There were still Coordinators who were adamant about killing off all Naturals and if the women were murdered on PLANTs, there would have been hell to pay. But what disturbed him was the fact that it had not even occurred to him to worry about Athrun until a frantic Shinn had called Lacus' phone, demanding if the chairman was with them. It was only later that investigations had revealed Athrun to be the main target of the attack, that it had been Naturals, disguised as the transporting crew of Orb that had launched the bomb strike on the conference hall. Days of searching were for naught, worry ascending into anxiety, hopefulness descending into despair. Kira had been beside himself with terror that his friend had been left to rot when news reached their ears of a man's appearance on Earth, a man that bore startling resemblance to the missing chairman. Though they all wanted to go, to ensure that it was Athrun that they had found, it was finally Kira who had the chance to ascertain his friend's fate. Security on Earth had been tightened in the face of the new danger and Kira, with his pass as the General of Orb, would be the one with the easiest access.

To his intense euphoric joy and relief, the news had been true. It was Athrun who had been spotted, critically injured, looking like he had been dragged through hell and back, but very much alive. The shuttle ride back had been undoubtedly the worst in Kira's life. Drifting in and out of consciousness, completely delirious, barely surviving, the flame that was Athrun's life had flickered, threatening to snuff out at the lightest breeze. Kira could only watch helplessly as the medic team poured all their talents, sweat and tears into bringing the chairman back from the brink of death, to halt his swaying as he stood on the edge of a void that would suck Athrun away from their life for all eternity. And, with his helplessness came the guilt. Once again, he had placed everyone else above Athrun, not even thinking of the young man until reality had punched Kira in the gut with the harsh news of Athrun's disappearance. His bone-wearied friend had smiled and simply dismissed his desperate apologies of not being there to protect him, of not even being there to save him. Athrun had scoffed at Kira's self-blame, retorting that he needed nobody to worry about him, that he was after all a soldier and could defend himself perfectly fine. Once again, Athrun had forgiven him.

But this time, Kira could not forgive himself.

Why did he always abandon his best friend in his greatest time of need? Why did he never aid his friend and answer his unspoken pleas? Why was he always too late to protect the last surviving bloom of innocence in Athrun, too late to save his friend from facing more emotional toil and torment? Why?

He had no answer. And because of that, he could not forgive himself. Because of that, he had forfeited his place to stand by Athrun, forfeited the right to be called Athrun's best friend. Because of that, he could now only look at his friend from afar, unable to soothe his friend's hurts like Yzak and Dearka, to provide emotional support, like Lunamaria, to become Athrun's silent pillar of support, like Meyrin. Above all, he had forfeited his right to guard Athrun's back, to have his complete and total trust, the way Shinn did. Kira did not deserve to join the throng of friends that now surrounded Athrun, friends who had stood by him, who had vowed to follow him to the death, vowed to die in defense of his beliefs.

Kira was the outsider.

So completely drawn into the darkness of his musings that swirled within his mind, he had averted his eyes without his conscious knowledge. Only when he finally found the courage to raise his gaze did his breath hitched in his throat in a tight gasp. From across the gap, the distance of more than a few feet, verdant green eyes bore into him, pools of concern, gratefulness and above all, acceptance. Kira froze, his entire being trembling, completely sensitized to the potent emotions that coiled around him in a warm embrace. Athrun's eyes were looking at him, looking through him, in complete understanding of his conflict, breaching the distance and beckoning him, summoning him to join Athrun where he stood in anticipation of having Kira by his side. Realization dawned on the Ultimate Coordinator, the sweetness of his revelation spreading over his body like honey.

Athrun had forgiven him.

Athrun had accepted him.

Athrun wanted to be with him.

Closing the gap that was now to Kira not more than a few inches which he could easily cross, he reached out to his friend. Maybe he didn't deserve to be by Athrun's side because of his betrayal. Maybe he had long forfeited his right to the title of best friend. But, he had been forgiven, had been accepted and was wanted. And for now, that was enough.

Kira was no longer an outsider…

…because Athrun wanted him inside.


End file.
